What should I be doing at 2:45 on a Tuesday morning?
- working on an assignment that is due in 7 hours
- not drinking port and smoking terribly rolled cigarettes
This would be a very true list were it not for the impending apocalypse. However, the world is going kaboom in a few days, which is why I’m not participating in Christmas this year, have amassed a large amount of debt on my credit card and am drinking port at nearly three am mid-week on a school night. The apocalypse is coming.
I hadn’t taken it particularly seriously, but my friend chris’s blog contains his correspondence with the man behind a very popular, true and informative ‘end of the world’ website, and has alerted my attention to how serious this situation really is. The world is most definitely going to end, because the Internet says so. The Internet didn’t lie to me when it claimed Michael Jackson was dead, or that Alex Reid enjoys dressing up as a woman he likes to call Roxanne, why would it lie about this? I trust the Internet implicitly. Everything I find on there is absolute truth. Including this. Because I have just said the Internet doesn’t lie, it doesn’t. Isn’t it wonderful?
I shall be spending my final hours on this rather nice planet doing as much polluting as I possibly can, and trying to score as many drugs as possible, and taking what I assume will be a harmless, fun cocktail of all illegal substances minutes before the impending apocalypse, and listening to one directions “live while we’re young” which, fuck you, is a catchy and enjoyable piece of music.
While its rather sad to think I’ll never see Justin Bieber get divorced, and I’ll never have the joy of calling my husband repulsive and nothing like his former self in his old age – I am perfectly fine with the approaching doomsday. I get to be eternally 21. (Unlike my best friend, who’s birthday is on the 23rd and if the apocalypse is a minute too late he will die a 22 year old – what a twat!) I don’t have to worry about liver spots or children who grow to be nothing but disappointments. I get to go out with (hopefully) a bang – will it be a bang? Or will it be a bang like the Big Bang was a bang – not one at all as sound is the vibration of air waves travelling in space and there was no air in space so the Big Bang was kind of a muffled squeak. I hope it’s more dramatic than that, I’ll have my 3D glasses on and everything.
If it turns out its not the end of the world I’ll be really upset, and if I ever recover from my heroin and/or crack addiction I’ll spend the rest of my life shouting at my children that they were never really meant to be.